Conspiracy Theory

I have admit, I've never been much of a conspiracy theorist. I'm not a big fan of sci-fi either When we added Roswell to our summer vacation itinerary, I was skeptical.

Since the baby came I've become a believer. Not in aliens, presidential assassination plots or Bigfoot, but the conspiracy theory to suppress information about what happens AFTER the hospital.

It could be that I've been staying up (or finding myself up) bleary eyed, trying to stuff a giant bosom in the mouth of a squalling babe. At 2 a.m. my television choices are somewhat limited, and after I've had my fill of The Andy Griffith Show, I've found that I've landed on back to back episodes of the Twilight Zone, followed by the X-files. Now, I'll admit that being sleep deprived adds to the surrealness of the situation, but I do think that the truth about postpartum is out there - I just am beginning to find it.

Myth Number 1:
As soon as the baby is placed on your tummy you'll forget the pain of labor and instantly be happy happy.

Truth: It hurts. A lot. After 12 hours of trying to squeeze a watermelon out of a toothpaste tube, you're tired, sweaty, hungry and gross. Don't get me wrong, I was very glad to meet the little snapper, but my main concern was that she was happy, healthy and had all of her parts. A lot of books browbeat women into breastfeeding in first hour after delivery, but in my opinion, that may not be an option for everyone. After the pictures and cell phone calls, I was glad that she was carried away into the hands of the VERY capable nursery staff. Especially since it took the doc another hour to sew me up down there.

Myth Number 2:
Real women do it without pain killers or episiotomies.

Truth:
However it happens is the right way. I had to have some pain relief or I would have permanently injured Scott's hands. At one point I was squeezing them so hard he swore I was trying to hurt him. I've read in a lot of books that episiotomies aren't really necessary. I had two-
and I still tore in what they call a 4th degree . I had the massages, the controlled pushing, and it still happened.

Myth Number 3
Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world

Truth:
Breast feeding sucks. Literally. But I think its the right think for the snapper, so we are going to stick with it. The first few days she was so out of it that it was difficult to wake her up enough to latch on. When she finally did wake up, she was mad as hell that she had been evicted from her comfy cozy apartment in my body. She let me know it by wanting to suck anything (my fingers, her fingers, the dog's leg) except what she needed to. We've gotten past some of those issues, but each feeding is still a new day for her and me. I've tried everything, cut out coffee after 4 pm, cut out ice cream and milk, drank beer, wine and popped pills.. nothing seems to make sense.

Myth Number 4
You only really need to stay in the hospital 3 days.

Truth
When my mom had me in the 1970s, a 10 day hospital stay was normal. As much as I hate hospitals, I think that would be amazing to have someone take care of me and the baby for 10 days. There is a lot of grossness that happens with having a baby...and it keeps spewing forth for a long time after you leave the hospital. Two days after we came home, I was back in the ER, unable to function down there. They drained out half a gallon of urine and I was begging for a take home catheter. The idea of going to the bathroom is still very scary - I had NO IDEA that it would be like that.

Now I thank God for sitz baths, fiber pills and maxi pads the size of place mats. One true girlfriend brought over a can of the "red stuff" - a cooling spray for down there that helps numb things. She stuck it through the cat door, with a note attached. It all seemed very covert to me, although I think she was just trying not to disturb us. Yet it smacks of spy tactics seen in conspiracies if you ask me.

So, nearly two weeks out what have I learned...I think that there is a conspiracy to keep all the yucky stuff quiet after a baby is born. If it wasn't kept quiet, folks might just stop doing it altogether and then where would society be? There aren't any books called "The Girlfriend's Guide to Bringing Home Baby" or "What to Expect Your Pain Level to Be, when You bring Home the Snapper". I have a sneaky suspicion that the same folks who aren't talking about menopause are the ones not talking about postpartum. Folks with moms who have gone through menopause know what I am talking about...

All I know is this.. the truth is out there - I just wish I wasn't up at 4 am looking for it!